Everybody Has Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey

By Jake Corbin

“There’re only two kinds of people in the world: Beatles people and Elvis people. Now Beatles people can like Elvis and Elvis people can like the Beatles, but nobody likes them both equally. Somewhere, you have to make a choice.” – Uma Thurman as Mia Wallace in “Pulp Fiction”

The time to make a choice for Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, came Saturday. Its decision: the lads from Liverpool.

The paper—which focuses more on the doings of the Pope than the realm of popular entertainment—ran an article celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Beatles “White Album,” saying the LP is a testament to how creative the group was compared to the “standardized, stereotypical” songs being produced today.

Such high praise coming from a pro-Vatican publication came as a shock to some. Although the Beatles have amassed a large fan base over the years, the Catholic Church, traditionally, has not been a huge fan of the Brit-rockers.

In 1966, during the peak of Beatlemania, the group’s guitarist/vocalist, John Lennon, upset religious goers the world over after declaring the foursome were “more popular than Jesus.”

Needless to say, the church, and many of its followers, did not agree.

L’Osservatore Romano, however, dismissed the remark as nothing more than a youthful joke, saying it was a case of “showing off” and a result of enjoying “unexpected success.”

The newspaper went on to discuss the Fab Four’s “unique and strange alchemy of sounds and words” and referred to the “White Album” as a “magical musical anthology.”

Apparently, time does heal all wounds.

Or, perhaps, the music is simply too good to stay mad forever.

The “White Album” has long been a favorite of fans and critics alike; Rolling Stone rated it the tenth greatest album of all time, calling it “an exhilarating sprawl—some of the Beatles’ most daring and delicate work.” Not surprisingly, the Recording Industry Association of America reports the record is one of the seven highest certified albums of all time.

The masterpiece is so popular in fact that it made a leap most albums cannot—the musical genre jump from rock to hip-hop.

In 2004, Brian “Dangermouse” Burton, using a cappella versions of Jay Z’s “Black Album” combined with beats constructed from the Beatles’ famous record, created the “Grey Album.”

The "mash up" became an Internet sensation (and spawned a cease-and-desist letter from EMI), not only helping the producer/DJ kick-start a career in the music industry but also giving Beatles fans something new to chew on.

Let’s see the “Elvis people” put together a project like that.


p.s. If you don’t understand the title of my column, stop what you’re doing and go listen to the “White Album.”

Beats, Breaks and Bytes

By Jake Corbin

Technology and hip-hop have always been intertwined; from microphones to massive 16-track recorders, machines have played an integral part in the art form.

And just like technology, the art is changing.

Over the past few years, many in the DJ community have broke with tradition and abandoned their analog format for a digital one. Instead of two turntables, vinyl and a mixer, disc jockeys are hooking up to laptops and external hard drives to “spin” mp3s.

The introduction of Serato’s Scratch LIVE hardware and software—which allows DJs to manipulate digital audio on their laptop with special vinyl records on their turntables—is a major reason for the revolution.

Here’s how Serato works: A USB interface syncs the turntables and mixer with the laptop (and the Scratch LIVE program). A unique control signal is given off from Scratch LIVE that allows it to track the motion of the records on the turntables, simulating the same movement with digital audio on the laptop.

Essentially, same record feel but none of the problems that come with it. Gone are the days of ruining records from continuous use (and abuse). No more flipping sides and switching out records, either—everything is done on the same two slabs of Serato vinyl.

More importantly, however, the days of hauling multiple crates of records to gigs have been abolished as well; something touring DJs—and their wallets—will love.

“It basically saved my life, because I got hit with about $3, 200 of extra bag charges from carrying records [on airplanes],” DJ Jazzy Jeff said in an interview on the Scratch LIVE website. “This, to me, saved two turntables and a mixer for the future.”

Jazzy Jeff, one of the first to publicly embrace Serato, added with a smile: “It doesn’t make DJing any easier, but it does make carrying records easier.”

Scratch LIVE also includes a plethora of process effects, including looping capabilities, allowing several creative vantage points the time-tested, analog DJ set-up simply doesn’t offer.

“Artistically it was exactly what I was looking for. Just raw power,” TradeMark310 wrote while weighing in on the Serato program on DJ Z-Trip’s website. “Any sound was now available to me to scratch and spin and manipulate.

“Hip-hop was based on making noise with whatever you could get your hands on. Huge speakers, funky breaks, spray paint cans, linoleum, whatever. Serato is just like a new tool, a new way to express yourself.”

Despite its creative (and convenient) advantages, not everyone is ready to usher in the era of digital DJing.

DJ P, real name Danny Phillips, is first on the list.

Phillips, who first gained notoriety after he and DJ Z-Trip put out “Uneasy Listening,” a non-stop blend of ‘80s and hip-hop music using only vinyl and turntables, is upset by the shortcuts Serato allows.

“I think Serato has completely ruined the art form; it has killed the culture of DJing,” Phillips said bluntly. “It has become too easy for someone to put together a mix on their computer and go to a club and play that mix.”

Although Serato has made it easier for DJs who tour and haul records through busy airports, it has also diminished the painstaking art of searching out new records.

“Back in the day, you had to dig for records—that’s what made a DJ,” Phillips said with exasperation. “[Serato] made it so anyone who can download a file will have that record.”

In essence, the mystery of the DJ’s record collection has been spoiled by the advent of technology; digging through dusty crates in the local record store for an elusive album has been replaced by a few clicks of the mouse and time spent on peer-to-peer file sharing sites.

“DJing has always been about someone who spins vinyl,” Phillips said. “Doing it live with vinyl is hard. It’s like playing an instrument—it is an instrument—if you miss a cue to mix in the next record you have to improvise and find a way out of trouble.”

Vinyl or binary code, one thing is for sure: DJing is here to stay. As technology progresses and a new generation of kids step behind the decks (or whatever machine is used to play music), we can at least hope the art of party rocking stays intact.

Good thing DJ P will be around to remind anyone who forgets.



[Photo courtesy of Helppo on Flickr]

Rage Against the Machine

Or, why I’ve come to hate online ticketing services


By Jake Corbin

When it comes to the weekend, I don’t get out of bed until I’m good and ready. Alarm clocks do not exist on Saturday and Sunday in my world.

After five days of pushing papers at work, expanding my brain at school and burning the midnight oil doing homework, my batteries need to recharge.

All that changes, however, when concert tickets are on the line.

I woke up at exactly 10 a.m. today to purchase two tickets to see NOFX (one of my all-time favorite punk bands!) at the Fillmore in San Francisco.

Since I don’t live in the Bay area, the only way to buy them was through the venue’s website. Using my stellar Internet skills, it took only a few clicks before I was ready to secure my tickets.

Two general admission tickets (yeah! I don’t have to worry about getting a bad seat) for NOFX at the Fillmore, Friday, February 13, 2009. So far, so good.

Price: $22.50 per ticket. Not bad, especially considering this band has been rocking for 25 years now!

Convenience fee: $8.50 per ticket. Wait! Huh? Hold on a minute.

Order fee: $5. Seriously? What the hell is going on here?!

When it was all said and done, I paid nearly $70 for tickets that, at face value, are worth only $45. That’s like buying three tickets and only receiving two.



Concert promoters Ticketmaster and Live Nation have made it virtually impossible to buy tickets online or via phone for events without incurring added fees on top of ticket prices.

With a stranglehold over most major venues throughout the country, the ticketing business giants have forced consumers into a corner: Either you pay the additional fees or don’t see the show.

But what are these so-called “convenience” fees even for?

A search of Live Nation’s eight pages of frequently asked questions turned up nothing about the mystery fees—how convenient.

Ticketmaster, however, offered this:

“This fee [convenience charge] covers costs that allow Ticketmaster to provide the widest range of available tickets while giving you multiple ways to purchase… the convenience charge varies by event and is determined by negotiations with arena operators, promoters and others, based on costs for each event.”

Question: What is Ticketmaster (and Live Nation for that matter) doing that other websites are not? There aren’t convenience fees, for example, when you buy a book from Amazon.com. Isn’t this the same thing? You log on, click “buy”, put your credit card information in and wait for a confirmation. What makes these concert promoters so special?

As for the additional processing fee, Ticketmaster says:

“The order processing fee covers the cost to fulfill your ticket request when you purchase the tickets online or by phone. This charge includes services, such as taking and maintaining your order on our ticketing systems, arranging for shipping and/or coordinating with the box office will call.”

Once again, what extra service are they providing? Processing fees don’t apply when ordering DVDs from BestBuy.com. Why is the piece of paper the ticket is printed on any different?

Something just doesn’t seem to add up.

Steve Butcher, CEO of Brown Paper Tickets, a Seattle-based ticketing service, says his competitor’s reasoning for extra service fees—technology costs being a prime example—simply doesn’t make sense.

“With technology, the cost of delivering the same services over the years has gone way down but the fees have gone up,” Butcher told Marketplace radio.

Butcher said his company uses similar anti-fraud technology as Ticketmaster, but on a $10 ticket, Brown Paper charges a significantly smaller service fee: only $1.24.

Butcher has managed to keep costs down by avoiding long-term contracts with venues and never negotiating service fees.

“One of the first things [venues would] ask before they signed up was ‘how much of the service fee can we get back?’” Butcher said. “We said, ‘Well, actually, no, you just increase your price [of the ticket] to get what you need and we keep our service fee.’”

IS THERE A SOLUTION?

Face it, until big promoters like Ticketmaster and Live Nation switch their business model to Brown Paper Tickets’ approach, additional fees are something consumers will have to continue to combat.

There is, however, one solution for cash-strapped concert-goers: Attend local shows only.

By going to shows in your town, you can buy tickets directly from the venue box office and avoid the costly convenience of the Internet.

Now if only NOFX would add a Sacramento date.

[Crowd photo courtesy of spinal_faun on Flickr]
["Rip Off" photo courtesy of outerworldarcade.com]

Wait, You Don’t Own This Album?!

Five for the collection—the hip-hop edition

By Jake Corbin

When it comes to writing about music, the “top 10 list” is a recipe for failure.

With a plethora of albums to pick from spanning multiple genres, how can one human—one brain—possibly narrow down any “best of” list? The task seems virtually impossible. There will always be a deserving band or song left off the list.

Die-hard music critics, however, don’t let insurmountable odds get in the way of categorizing music. Sometimes people need to be told what albums are supposed to be in their collection.

With that thought in mind, here are five albums every hip-hop fan should burn, download or buy as soon as possible.

A Tribe Called Quest “People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm”

From the moment you hit play to the time the album ends, Tribe’s debut album is full of jazzy samples and head nodding beats that every DJ has spun to get bodies moving on the dance floor.

Although the album dropped in 1990, “People’s Instinctive Travels…” outshines most hip-hop albums coming out today. Jams like “Bonita Applebum,” “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo” and “Can I Kick It?” will always be party-starters.

Everything A Tribe Called Quest has put out is worth owning (multiple copies, in fact). Start with this album and buy in order. You won’t be disappointed.

De La Soul “De La Soul is Dead”

Another group whose entire catalog is hip-hop gold; De La Soul’s popularity started in 1989 with the release of “3 Feet High and Rising.” It was the first single on that album, “Me, Myself and I,” that sparked people’s interest, including “Yo MTV Raps.”

Although De La Soul’s debut is a classic, it was the group’s second album that let people know they weren’t fooling around.

“De La Soul is Dead” is packed with lyrical content ranging from silly to thought provoking—one moment the trio will talk about working at Burger King, the next about falling prey to illicit drug use.

Regardless of what De La is rapping about, every song is filled with danceable, sample-heavy beats.

Producer Prince Paul’s work on this album could never be done today with the current sample laws. Listen to this album and rejoice in what hip-hop sounded like before the government stepped in and tried to ruin it.

Beastie Boys “Ill Communication”

The Beastie Boys don’t get enough credit.

The trio from New York has been holding it down since the ‘80s (when they toured with other notable Def Jam artists Run DMC and Public Enemy).

Whether fighting for their right to party or getting funky as a three-piece band, the Beasties have always been an eclectic group of rap-rockers whose sole purpose was to have a good time.

It’s hard to pick a best Beastie Boys album, but the group’s fourth studio release “Ill Communication” might be it. Why? Because this album embraces all sides of the Beastie’s: It’s a three-way split between hip-hop, funk and punk.

There will be no complaints of “all the songs sound the same” with this album.

Jurassic 5 “Quality Control”

Hip-hop is the art of storytelling set to a beat. Sometimes that story is about spreading a “feel good” vibe, engulfing everyone within earshot. Other times, it’s all about the message.

Jurassic 5 understands this wholeheartedly.

After gaining a large fan base from the strength of their self-titled E.P., J5 put out “Quality Control”—an album melding clever wordplay with the funkiest beats heard in years.

The group’s gang vocals and tag-team rhyming are reminiscent of the Cold Crush Brothers, but the excellent production of DJs Cut Chemist and Nu-Mark give J5 a sound all their own.

Play this album and your ears will thank you.

Public Enemy “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back”

Public Enemy may be the most important hip-hop group ever.

Others may argue there have been greater MCs than Chuck D and Flavor Flav, but no one group has had such an impact musically.

Public Enemy birthed hip-hop as protest music. Songs on this album like “Bring the Noise,” “Rebel Without a Pause” and “Don’t Believe the Hype” have a power in the lyrics that make you want to stand up and join the struggle.

This album should be listened to at full blast before going to the polls Nov. 4.

[Photo courtesy of Sabine01 on Flickr]

Mixed Feelings

Mainstream and underground forces unite, but at what cost?


By Jake Corbin

As an independent musician, you do what it takes to get your music out there.

This usually translates into taking petty jobs for cash by day and playing every art house, coffee shop and small venue that will let you plug in by night.

Those days may soon be over.

CMJ.com reported over the summer that Best Buy—in tandem with RegionalCD.net—has launched a new program aimed at stocking its shelves and online stores with local, unsigned artists.

Approved musicians are considered based on their fan base, local performances and MySpace and Facebook pages (because, as we all know, the mark of a true professional is how many internet friends they have). Radio play is nice, but not required.

Although there is no mention of it on RegionalCD.net, one would hope “quality of music” would be a deciding factor as well.

After the proper paperwork is filled out and three copies of a professionally produced CD are submitted (UPC codes must be present), the waiting game for a decision begins.

The “chosen ones” are billed an initial set-up cost of $250. Bands are paid for every CD sold—$5.15 for full-length albums and $3.65 for EPs.

Sounds pretty good, right?

Don’t be so quick to say “yes.”

If Best Buy starts carrying albums from independent musicians in its stores, what long-term effects will it have on local record shops?

Part of the thrill of combing through dusty records and stacks of CDs at independent stores is the hope of discovering one of these “hard to find” artists; that’s the indie record shop’s niche.

Now Best Buy could take away from that.

Nearly 900 independent record stores have shut their doors according to the New York Times—and that figure is from 2003. With the economy the way it is and downloading at an all-time high, those numbers probably aren’t getting any better.

Simply put, Best Buy’s new program may spell disaster for independent record stores.

An emphasis should be placed on “may spell disaster,” though.

In order for a program like this to have a negative affect on indie music stores, people will have to start turning to Best Buy for all of their music needs.

Best Buy may see a swing in sales as audiophiles peruse the music aisle (probably in between picking up blank CDs to illegally burn music at home), find a local artist’s album and decide to make the purchase.

Those same people, however, are not going to rely on Best Buy to find an original press of the Velvet Underground record they’ve been looking for or the live Green Day import from 1998. Music fans like this will always rely on independent record shops.

The catch to all of this is, supporting the artists with CDs at Best Buy may be the best thing for those independent musicians. At $5 a pop, if sales are strong, the money coming back to the bands could add up quickly.

Still, what amounts to a good decision for the artist may ultimately be bad for music fans. As if the music industry needed another quandary.

For those not already struggling with the moral dilemma of “should I download or not,” now you can worry about the consequences of where you buy your music.

Ah… decisions, decisions.


[Photo courtesy of Swansea Photographer on Flickr]

Kings of Leon

Review: Only by the Night (RCA)
3.5/5 Stars (Good, but not classic)

“Progression” and “matured” are two words music fans most often hate to hear when reading reviews of their favorite bands upcoming album.

“Their old sound is the reason I liked the band in the first place,” they say, “not this new mature experiment.”

On the other hand, some bands grow with each record and move in extraordinary directions; just look at the Beatles career.

Kings of Leon, however, fit in neither one of these categories. Think of this band more as the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of rock ‘n’ roll.

With their fourth album, Only by the Night, the boys from Nashville are simply expressing an alter ego. The first two albums (Youth and Young Manhood, Aha Shake Heartbreak) were an outlet for their love of the sex, drugs and cowbell era of bands like Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Creedence Clearwater Revival. With this album, just like the last (Because of the Times), the band has moved away from the bygone era of rock and roll and focused on its other love—arena rock anthems that would make U2 proud.

“After three records and touring for five years straight, we knew what we were capable of," said drummer Nathan Followill on the band’s website. "We just had to put our money where our mouths were. We had to take it to the next level.”

And to the next level they have gone, drifting even further from the whiskey-fueled tunes the band originally released.

Take the album’s second track, “Crawl.” With its head-nodding beat and heavily distorted bass line, the song sounds more like a B-side remix than an actual Kings of Leon song.

“Use Somebody” is a perfect example of the band’s new attempt at arena rock, complete with “woah oh” background vocals. That’s not to say it’s a bad song, but it seems like a clear attempt by the band to bring some of its popularity from overseas here to the States. Maybe songs like this will turn the band into the Kings of Coldplay, something the record company would surely love.

There are, however, at least a few songs on the album that seem to nod towards the Kings of old.

The album’s first single, “Sex on Fire,” is a nice mid-tempo jam that incorporates the eclectic influences of the band. The choppy guitars and bouncy drumbeat lead up to a great chorus, perfectly blending the “southern sass-meets-NY hipster” style the critics pushed on the band from the beginning.

“Revelry,” despite its new-school Kings of Leon sound, falls right in line with slow-burners like “Trani” from the first album and “Rememo” from the second. The drumming at the beginning of the song sounds machine-like, but it works; lighters will definitely be raised when this song is played at the live shows.

The only disappointment of the album, really, comes in the form of track nine, “I Want You.” The track itself isn’t a bad one, but it never lives up to its potential.

The song marks the return of the cowbell in a Kings song, patching together a syncopated, catchy beat. The bass thumps perfectly over the top as cut and paste-like guitar chords and vocals complete the song.

“I Want You” is the type of song that catches the listener from the opening notes, gets the toes tapping and builds up and up to what should be a great payoff—the chorus.

Unfortunately, it never happens.

The song could have been, with it’s quirky beat, a hit in the vein of Weezer’s “El Scorcho”—albeit, with much more serious lyrics—but the same beat continues right into the chorus, leaving the listener a bit let down.

All in all, Kings of Leon have put out another great product. The album has its flaws, and might disappoint early fans of the band, but it sounds much better than the current crop of mainstream rock bands filling the radio airwaves.

The real question now is: What’s next?

The band has put out two albums of pure rock and roll and two arena rockers. What should we expect from the fifth?

If only the foursome from Tennessee could figure out a way to meld the two styles together, the listening masses may have a new classic on their hands (and in their iPod’s).

(Old) Kings of Leon—“Four Kicks”


(New) Kings of Leon—“Sex on Fire”

Still (A)live in New York

SNL taken off life support this week

By Jake Corbin

We’ve heard the jokes before.

“Saturday Night Dead.” “Saturday Night NOT Live.” “‘Saturday Night Live’ should be shot and killed and put out of its misery and quit disgracing the ghost of John Belushi.”

So, the last one isn’t really a joke, but it does tend to mirror many fans’ current feelings towards the show. For many, what was once a late night comedy ritual filled with fun and laughter has morphed into a quiet Saturday night occasionally peppered with a half-hearted chuckle.

This week’s “SNL,” however—hosted by actress Anne Hathaway and featuring musical guests the Killers—gave those who watched a glimpse of the good old days.

The reason? Because the “not ready for prime-time players” have gone back to doing what they do best: Poking fun at politics.

It also doesn’t hurt that Tina Fey does a spot on impression of Gov. Sarah Palin.

To the delight of many, Fey returned as the Republican vice presidential hopeful in the night’s (hilarious!) cold open that made light of the recent VP debate. With every “maverick,” “Joe Six-pack” and “you know” that came out of Fey’s mouth, it was hard not to reminisce about “SNL”s send-up of government figures past.

Fey’s impersonation of Palin is the best the show has offered since Will Ferrell captured George W. so well.

Hilarity aside, “SNL” also returned to making a statement.

As PBS journalist and debate moderator, Gwen Ifill—played wonderfully by guest star Queen Latifah—explained the rules of the debate to the contestants; she took a moment to explain that expectations were so low for Gov. Palin should she not “cry, faint or vomit” during the debate, everyone should “just consider it a tie.”

Once again, “SNL” had captured what was on the minds of many of its viewers and did so in a very public manner.

Chevy Chase would be proud.

And this was all just in the opening skit. Admittedly, that is a hard act to follow, but the show pulled it off.

Stand out skits included Hathaway as Mary Poppins explaining to the young children in her care that “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is actually an STD, a laugh-out-loud “Weekend Update” and the “Sister Act” skit.

“Sister Act” featured fourth season vet, Kristen Wiig, playing the ugly sister of a singing group performing on the “Lawrence Welk Show.” Providing an accurate description of what took place is futile (the musical number includes talk of eating a dead cat); this is one of those skits you just have to see.

Andy Samberg—a seemingly unused talent on the show—also showed off his latest “SNL Digital Short.” The show’s only pre-taped skit featured Samberg and Wiig in an “Extreme Activities Competition,” battling it out, for instance, to see who was best at acting casual.

Quirky? Definitely.

Funny? Yes.

Samberg is “SNL”s next Adam Sandler. If he were to make a digital short every week, his videos would rival “Weekend Update” as the most-anticipated skit of the night.

Although it has been touch-and-go this season (Michael Phelps, the season’s opening host, may have something to do with that), this week’s performance was enough to bump SNL out of comedy critical condition.

(Cue Sarah Palin voice now)

And maybe, with your help, it can become the “maverick” of late night TV that “Joe Six-packs” and “hockey moms” everywhere enjoyed during its inaugural year in 1975 under the great Republican president, Gerald Ford.

Here’s for hoping the show stays true to form and off its deathbed.

Today Was a Good Day

By Jake Corbin

My alarm clock shrieked, jolting me awake at 6:21 a.m. today. No one likes to start their day like this.

It was still dark outside as I slapped the “snooze” button—eight more minutes of rest. With the covers pulled up to my eyelids, and the air raid-like noises of my alarm clock silenced, visions of calling in sick suddenly danced through my head.

“Stay home! You can write your column and get to bed on time. Nobody will miss you.”

Doing the right thing, I begrudgingly kicked back the sheets and got out of bed.

It was a good thing I did.

The day started like all the rest…

Just like every other morning, I was running late. Long, sleepy showers will do this to a person. After a quick check of the weather on the morning news, I hightailed it to light rail, barely catching the train.

Next stop—work.

With just enough time to grab a coffee (caffeine is a must!), I strolled into my cubicle at 8 a.m. Tossing my bag aside and slumping into my chair; I saddled up to the computer and logged in.

While sipping my mocha and sifting through e-mail, one particular message jumped out from the rest. Sandwiched between the latest SEIU rant and a notice for the upcoming “rummage sale,” sat an e-mail from Elaine Benes [ * ]—a supervisor on the third floor—with “PLEASE CALL ME” written in the subject line.

For most, this message may have caused bouts of paranoia and a fair amount of indigestion. For me, however, I felt nothing but excitement.

Nearly two weeks ago I interviewed for a position in Benes’ unit. I was the top-ranking candidate for the position, and I killed the interview. They were smiling and writing down everything I had to say.

There was only one problem: I was interviewing for a full-time position, and I’m working part-time until I graduate in December.

A little nervous at this point, I decided to e-mail Benes back instead of calling. After what seemed like an eternity, she replied, stating she wanted to meet.

This was it; do or die time. It was out of my hands at this point. I was confident about my interview, but was it enough to persuade them to work around my schedule?

I walked into the conference room, sitting down in a chair near the round table, and awaited the “judgment.”

“We would like to offer you the position of…”

I didn’t have to hear the rest.

Finally, after years of dealing with customer complaints, taking long vacations and extended weekends, my hard work had been recognized. It was quite a feeling, and it wasn’t even noon yet.

Unfortunately, the rest of the day had nowhere to go but down. My promotion is official, but I won’t switch to the new unit for at least a week or two.

The daily grind continues.

Tomorrow…

I might have taken another step up the “corporate ladder,” but I’m still the same person. Jake Corbin doesn’t change that easy.

Tomorrow, same as workdays past, my alarm clock will ring (and scare the bejesus out of me) at 6:21 a.m. It will still be dark out, and I still won’t want to get up.

But knowing I’m going to have that extra cash flowing in, maybe I’ll stop thinking about calling in sick.

Nah! Who am I kidding?


[ * ] My new supervisor’s name has been changed, because I didn’t get permission to include it in this particular piece. I have to protect my new job!

For Those About to Rock

The music industry salutes you


By Jake Corbin

They say rock ‘n’ roll will never die, but, boy, it seems like it’s getting old.

With cookie-cutter radio stations playing the same songs over and over and record sales dipping drastically, the music industry is in a slump. If only there was a way to get the kids excited about rock music again.

Enter “Guitar Hero.”

The riff happy, rhythm video game franchise has demolished industry records over the past two years, surpassing $1 billion in North American retail sales alone. “Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock” was No. 1 in both units and sales for 2007, making it the best-selling video game of all-time, according to TeamXbox.com.

This news is great for Activision, the game’s publisher, but why are the record labels smiling?

It turns out “Guitar Hero’s” set-list—which focuses on classic rock gems from decades past—is opening up a new world of musical taste for the game’s younger generation of players.

The music might be old, but it’s new to them.

As a result, the industry has seen and increase in sales of many of its older acts.

“When the game featuring Aerosmith ['Guitar Hero: Aerosmith'] came out, there was more than a 40 percent increase in their catalog sales,” said Geoff Mayfield, senior analyst and director of charts for Billboard magazine, on CNN.com.

Mayfield sees a direct cause-and-effect for some artists who have licensed their songs to “Guitar Hero,” something we can expect to see more of with the release of new games and new set-lists.

Aerosmith isn’t the only band that has benefited from licensing music to the guitar game. Nielsen SoundScan data for a dozen “Guitar Hero II” songs found 11 out of 12 had increased sales in 2007, according to a report from USA Today. Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” nearly tripled in digital sales from 2006 to 2007, while Kiss’ “Strutter” went from 11,000 downloads to 63,000.

Whether trying to break new songs or sustain the old, “Guitar Hero” has become a proven method for the record labels to get fans interested in their products.

“These games are something for record labels, publishers and artists to add life to songs they've already recorded or songs they're trying to launch,” said Alex Hackford, Sony Entertainment America A&R manager, to Fox News. “With radio playlists locked into 30 songs a day, it's hard to get a foot in the door. Video games are a huge way to make an impression to an important demographic.”

The times, they are a changin’

As the fourth full-length installment of “Guitar Hero”—“Guitar Hero: World Tour”—readies to hit the market this October, gamers should be ready for a major overhaul of the series.

The most obvious change is the addition of percussion and vocals to the mix, matching the game play of rival “Rock Band.”

The drum kit for “World Tour” differs from “Rock Band” in that it has two freestanding cymbals, giving the set a more realistic drumming experience. And with an 86-song track list, ranging in tunes from NOFX to Jimmy Hendrix, the vocalists in the “band” will be very happy, as well.

The most notable change in the “Guitar Hero” series, however, is the new function: World Tour Music Studio. Using the “studio,” players will actually be able to create, record and mix original songs with their “band” and use them during game play.

It’s too soon to tell if “Guitar Hero” is the savior the music industry has been looking for, but with the way technology is progressing—and the continued eclecticism of the game’s set-lists—it sure won’t hurt.

The Further Decline of Western Civilization

By Jake Corbin

When it comes to your average graduate school applicant, “hooker” is not something you would expect to read in the experience section of their resume.

Natalie Dylan may soon change that.

Dylan, a pseudonym for the 22-year-old alleged Sacramento State graduate [ * ], announced the open auction of her virginity on the Howard Stern show Sept. 9. Not only will the top bidder get to unwrap her package for the first time, but they may also be able to send her through grad school with the money she “earns.”

Now, let’s not even get started on how many moral standards are being crushed—much like the dreams Dylan’s mom and dad had of being good parents—in the process of this young woman “capitalizing” on her virginity.

That would be too easy.

Instead, let’s talk about a part of the story nobody else is: The real victims suffering at the hands of this flash in the pan floozy.

The Bidders

Bidding has reached up to $250,000, according to CBS13 in Sacramento. Talk about a bad investment.

This isn’t brain surgery here—virgins do not know what they are doing in bed. Why in God’s name would you pay so much money for a sexual experience that will ultimately disappoint?

The Nevada brothel hosting the “event,” Dennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch, employs a bevy of experienced beauties that are just as willing to give up the goods, but at a fraction of the cost.

In fact, it wasn’t long ago the Bunny Ranch was offering a two-for-one deal, according to Nerve.com. The first 100 customers who showed up with their $600 stimulus check got the “George Bush” special – three girls and a bottle of champagne.

Sounds like someone is getting ripped off—buyer beware!

The Graduate School

Dylan graduated from Sac State with a bachelor’s degree in Women’s Studies, according to several media outlets.

Ironic? Just a little bit.

Making matters worse, she wants to use the money she gets from her harlotry to pay for graduate studies in marriage and family therapy, according to the State Hornet.

Come on, really?

Imagine the scene when a couple, rife with relationship issues, discovers their marriage counselor—the one giving them advice!—sold her virginity away to a complete stranger in conjunction with a Nevada whorehouse.

Not the confidence builder they were looking for.

At this point, any college that accepts her application for grad school, especially a program as sensitive as marriage and family therapy, runs the risk of becoming a laughingstock among its educational peers.

Dylan’s Family

It seems as if “hookin’ it” runs in the family: The State Hornet reports Dylan’s sister, Avia, worked for three weeks at the Bunny Ranch two years ago.

After living through the horror of one daughter’s choice to turn tricks, Dylan’s parents must have been happy at least one of their little girls was leading a normal life.

POOF. That’s all gone now.

Dylan said in an interview with the Insider that her mom is a “conservative fourth grade teacher” who “is not going to give her full approval.” You think? Conservative or not, what parent has ever been proud of their child’s choice to knowingly enter the world of prostitution?

Needless to say, I don’t think Dylan’s mother will be sharing any of this during the next class show-and-tell.

FAIL

Most women would like to forget their first sexual experience, but Natalie Dylan will forever be one Google search away from her controversial past.

As some would say: Decision FAIL.

School is an important investment—and an expensive one, at that—but where does a person draw the line?

Drastic situations can call for drastic measures, but becoming a hooker does not usually fall into the category. For most, prostitution is not only crossing the line, but completely out of bounds.


[ * ] There has been no proof offered that Natalie Dylan actually graduated from Sacramento State. Many fingers remain crossed, hoping it isn’t true.

Downloading in the Digital Sea

A tale of music piracy

By Jake Corbin

Everything changed in June of 1999.

Shawn Fanning, then just a student at Northeastern University, didn’t see it coming. Neither did the record labels.

That summer was the year Fanning unleashed his online service, Napster—the first major peer-to-peer file-sharing site—upon the album-collecting masses, quickly becoming the music industry’s biggest nightmare.

Nearly 10 years have passed since the music-swapping site made its debut, but downloading music illegally hasn’t slowed down a bit. In fact, music piracy has become an everyday occurrence for many audiophiles.

As a result, the entire industry has been called into question.

“Are record labels going to be able to survive in the downloading age?”

“Is downloading hurting the bands?”

“Should the record industry continue to even put out physical products?”

The question that nobody seems to ask, however, is: Just why is everybody so into downloading music?

Corey Taylor, lead vocalist for the band Slipknot, had a rather candid answer to that very question in a recent Kerrang! magazine article. The front man placed the blame on the record industry itself, not the downloaders.

“Why would you blame [people who download music]?” said Taylor. “Half the f---ing albums that are out there are s--t. I don't download, but at the same time, I don't buy new music, 'cause it all sucks.”

“People want to blame the decline of album sales on downloading; I think it's actually the record companies' fault,” Taylor added. “I think it's the quality of the product.”

Ironically, many would argue that Slipknot is a perfect example of the “inferior product” Taylor mentions, but the overall point here is—there is a lot of garbage flooding the music market.

One look at the Billboard 200 seems to add more evidence to the pile. On Sept. 14, the top five artists listed were (in order) Young Geezy, New Kids on the Block, The Game, Kid Rock and the aforementioned Slipknot.

Really, New Kids on the Block? No. 2? Seriously? What year is this?

There is, however, more to downloading than just avoiding money wasted on musical rubbish; just ask Christian Smith.

Smith, age 27, is an advocate for downloading music, but his reasons for doing so go beyond the need to keep extra cash in his pockets.

“My purpose is to check out new music; see who’s out there,” said Smith. “I’m exposed to so many more bands than I was before. I remember in the ‘90s, you just heard about local bands or ones promoted by the big labels on radio stations.”

With the discovery of new bands (and the cash he didn’t spend buying their CDs), Smith buys concert tickets. Lots of them.

“One year I went to 100 concerts,” Smith said with a laugh. “There are only 365 days in a year; I think I do my part.”

At that rate, he is doing more than his share.

Besides a cut of the ticket sales, bands stand to make more money from concertgoers (like Mr. Smith) who buy merchandise at shows. For every t-shirt, album and sticker bought from the lonely merch guy at the back of the concert hall, that’s money going directly into the artists’ hands.

CD sales, on the other hand, account for a very small profit. For every CD sold in stores at $15.99, the artist receives only $0.16; more than half the money goes to marketing and overhead costs, according to a Wired Magazine article.

“If the band saw $10 of the $15, I might be more inclined to buy the CD,” said Smith. “But that’s not the way the big labels work.”

“And if I’m going to pay $50 for a concert,” he added. “I don’t see why I should have to pay for the CD, too.”

From a consumer’s point of view, it’s hard to argue with that logic. That must be why—even after the courts sank Napster’s ship long ago—the music pirate’s flag continues to fly high.

Adventures in Cubicle Land

Three rules nobody should have to follow

By Jake Corbin

With the California Legislature leading all nominees in this year's category for "Best Budget Failure," the public doesn't seem to be too happy with any of its government workers these days.

Most already perceive the life of a government employee to be a cakewalk; the words "lazy" and "under worked" come up more than a few times when Google searching "State worker" (and they get every holiday off, too!).

But for every Ceasar Chavez Day off and every long lunch break, most people aren't aware of the several asinine rules the average State worker is forced to follow on any given day.

"Sorry I was late..."   

For most adults in the wonderful world of employment, showing up a few minutes late to work -- on occasion -- is not a big deal. In fact, showing up within two minutes after your start time would probably qualify as "on time" for most employers.

Supervisors for certain state agencies (who shall remain nameless), however, do not feel the same way -- every minute of every day must be logged.

"Sorry I was late, boss; the light rail was running late."

"Yeah, I'm sorry for you, too. I'll need you to account for the five minutes you missed this morning."

While being on time is an important virtue for all employees to embrace, being marked tardy is something that should be left to high school teachers.

"I know you have access to everything, but..."

Technology is a wonderful thing, right? That's not always the case for State workers.

One rule nearly all government employees must adhere to is: Personal internet, e-mail and phone use is not allowed during work hours. If you are on break, you better put up a sign making it obvious to the world before logging into your Gmail account.

The problem with this is, as long as you are finishing your work, what difference does it make? The state is already paying for the services, why not get some use out of them? A quick check of the e-mail is not going to cause the agency to come crumbling down (please also revisit the "aren't we all adults?" plea stated earlier).

Second, the world runs on the Internet, e-mail and phone use. If workers are not allowed access to this, they are being shut off from everything beyond their cubicle walls. Sounds a little like Communism, doesn't it?

"The customer is always right..."

The best rule has been saved for last -- "The customer is always right." We've heard this one a million times before; in fact, many private businesses follow this philosophy as well.

Here's a newsflash, though: The customer is NOT always right. Some would go so far as to say they are wrong 90 percent of the time, particularly when dealing with government paperwork.

In addition, many customers are well-trained in the art of being rude. This makes it virtually impossible at any point in time for them to be "right."

Still, no matter what nasty names come out of their mouth, no matter how much they yell, State workers can never tell the customer what they really think. That would be using "negative language" and the State advises against that.

"We need to talk about your TPS reports"

The movie "Office Space" gave the world a glimpse into the misery life in a cubicle can bring, but it was also a work of fiction. State workers, on the other hand, occupy their office space five days a week, handling everything that comes along with it.

So, the next time you overhear a conversation about the "lazy" State workers with "too many coffee breaks" maybe you'll have some sympathy and think twice about joining in.

After all, at least you don't have to take five minutes out of your lunch break to make up for walking in at 8:05 a.m.

(Feel free to still be mad at the state Legislature, though.)