Today Was a Good Day

By Jake Corbin

My alarm clock shrieked, jolting me awake at 6:21 a.m. today. No one likes to start their day like this.

It was still dark outside as I slapped the “snooze” button—eight more minutes of rest. With the covers pulled up to my eyelids, and the air raid-like noises of my alarm clock silenced, visions of calling in sick suddenly danced through my head.

“Stay home! You can write your column and get to bed on time. Nobody will miss you.”

Doing the right thing, I begrudgingly kicked back the sheets and got out of bed.

It was a good thing I did.

The day started like all the rest…

Just like every other morning, I was running late. Long, sleepy showers will do this to a person. After a quick check of the weather on the morning news, I hightailed it to light rail, barely catching the train.

Next stop—work.

With just enough time to grab a coffee (caffeine is a must!), I strolled into my cubicle at 8 a.m. Tossing my bag aside and slumping into my chair; I saddled up to the computer and logged in.

While sipping my mocha and sifting through e-mail, one particular message jumped out from the rest. Sandwiched between the latest SEIU rant and a notice for the upcoming “rummage sale,” sat an e-mail from Elaine Benes [ * ]—a supervisor on the third floor—with “PLEASE CALL ME” written in the subject line.

For most, this message may have caused bouts of paranoia and a fair amount of indigestion. For me, however, I felt nothing but excitement.

Nearly two weeks ago I interviewed for a position in Benes’ unit. I was the top-ranking candidate for the position, and I killed the interview. They were smiling and writing down everything I had to say.

There was only one problem: I was interviewing for a full-time position, and I’m working part-time until I graduate in December.

A little nervous at this point, I decided to e-mail Benes back instead of calling. After what seemed like an eternity, she replied, stating she wanted to meet.

This was it; do or die time. It was out of my hands at this point. I was confident about my interview, but was it enough to persuade them to work around my schedule?

I walked into the conference room, sitting down in a chair near the round table, and awaited the “judgment.”

“We would like to offer you the position of…”

I didn’t have to hear the rest.

Finally, after years of dealing with customer complaints, taking long vacations and extended weekends, my hard work had been recognized. It was quite a feeling, and it wasn’t even noon yet.

Unfortunately, the rest of the day had nowhere to go but down. My promotion is official, but I won’t switch to the new unit for at least a week or two.

The daily grind continues.

Tomorrow…

I might have taken another step up the “corporate ladder,” but I’m still the same person. Jake Corbin doesn’t change that easy.

Tomorrow, same as workdays past, my alarm clock will ring (and scare the bejesus out of me) at 6:21 a.m. It will still be dark out, and I still won’t want to get up.

But knowing I’m going to have that extra cash flowing in, maybe I’ll stop thinking about calling in sick.

Nah! Who am I kidding?


[ * ] My new supervisor’s name has been changed, because I didn’t get permission to include it in this particular piece. I have to protect my new job!

For Those About to Rock

The music industry salutes you


By Jake Corbin

They say rock ‘n’ roll will never die, but, boy, it seems like it’s getting old.

With cookie-cutter radio stations playing the same songs over and over and record sales dipping drastically, the music industry is in a slump. If only there was a way to get the kids excited about rock music again.

Enter “Guitar Hero.”

The riff happy, rhythm video game franchise has demolished industry records over the past two years, surpassing $1 billion in North American retail sales alone. “Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock” was No. 1 in both units and sales for 2007, making it the best-selling video game of all-time, according to TeamXbox.com.

This news is great for Activision, the game’s publisher, but why are the record labels smiling?

It turns out “Guitar Hero’s” set-list—which focuses on classic rock gems from decades past—is opening up a new world of musical taste for the game’s younger generation of players.

The music might be old, but it’s new to them.

As a result, the industry has seen and increase in sales of many of its older acts.

“When the game featuring Aerosmith ['Guitar Hero: Aerosmith'] came out, there was more than a 40 percent increase in their catalog sales,” said Geoff Mayfield, senior analyst and director of charts for Billboard magazine, on CNN.com.

Mayfield sees a direct cause-and-effect for some artists who have licensed their songs to “Guitar Hero,” something we can expect to see more of with the release of new games and new set-lists.

Aerosmith isn’t the only band that has benefited from licensing music to the guitar game. Nielsen SoundScan data for a dozen “Guitar Hero II” songs found 11 out of 12 had increased sales in 2007, according to a report from USA Today. Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” nearly tripled in digital sales from 2006 to 2007, while Kiss’ “Strutter” went from 11,000 downloads to 63,000.

Whether trying to break new songs or sustain the old, “Guitar Hero” has become a proven method for the record labels to get fans interested in their products.

“These games are something for record labels, publishers and artists to add life to songs they've already recorded or songs they're trying to launch,” said Alex Hackford, Sony Entertainment America A&R manager, to Fox News. “With radio playlists locked into 30 songs a day, it's hard to get a foot in the door. Video games are a huge way to make an impression to an important demographic.”

The times, they are a changin’

As the fourth full-length installment of “Guitar Hero”—“Guitar Hero: World Tour”—readies to hit the market this October, gamers should be ready for a major overhaul of the series.

The most obvious change is the addition of percussion and vocals to the mix, matching the game play of rival “Rock Band.”

The drum kit for “World Tour” differs from “Rock Band” in that it has two freestanding cymbals, giving the set a more realistic drumming experience. And with an 86-song track list, ranging in tunes from NOFX to Jimmy Hendrix, the vocalists in the “band” will be very happy, as well.

The most notable change in the “Guitar Hero” series, however, is the new function: World Tour Music Studio. Using the “studio,” players will actually be able to create, record and mix original songs with their “band” and use them during game play.

It’s too soon to tell if “Guitar Hero” is the savior the music industry has been looking for, but with the way technology is progressing—and the continued eclecticism of the game’s set-lists—it sure won’t hurt.

The Further Decline of Western Civilization

By Jake Corbin

When it comes to your average graduate school applicant, “hooker” is not something you would expect to read in the experience section of their resume.

Natalie Dylan may soon change that.

Dylan, a pseudonym for the 22-year-old alleged Sacramento State graduate [ * ], announced the open auction of her virginity on the Howard Stern show Sept. 9. Not only will the top bidder get to unwrap her package for the first time, but they may also be able to send her through grad school with the money she “earns.”

Now, let’s not even get started on how many moral standards are being crushed—much like the dreams Dylan’s mom and dad had of being good parents—in the process of this young woman “capitalizing” on her virginity.

That would be too easy.

Instead, let’s talk about a part of the story nobody else is: The real victims suffering at the hands of this flash in the pan floozy.

The Bidders

Bidding has reached up to $250,000, according to CBS13 in Sacramento. Talk about a bad investment.

This isn’t brain surgery here—virgins do not know what they are doing in bed. Why in God’s name would you pay so much money for a sexual experience that will ultimately disappoint?

The Nevada brothel hosting the “event,” Dennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch, employs a bevy of experienced beauties that are just as willing to give up the goods, but at a fraction of the cost.

In fact, it wasn’t long ago the Bunny Ranch was offering a two-for-one deal, according to Nerve.com. The first 100 customers who showed up with their $600 stimulus check got the “George Bush” special – three girls and a bottle of champagne.

Sounds like someone is getting ripped off—buyer beware!

The Graduate School

Dylan graduated from Sac State with a bachelor’s degree in Women’s Studies, according to several media outlets.

Ironic? Just a little bit.

Making matters worse, she wants to use the money she gets from her harlotry to pay for graduate studies in marriage and family therapy, according to the State Hornet.

Come on, really?

Imagine the scene when a couple, rife with relationship issues, discovers their marriage counselor—the one giving them advice!—sold her virginity away to a complete stranger in conjunction with a Nevada whorehouse.

Not the confidence builder they were looking for.

At this point, any college that accepts her application for grad school, especially a program as sensitive as marriage and family therapy, runs the risk of becoming a laughingstock among its educational peers.

Dylan’s Family

It seems as if “hookin’ it” runs in the family: The State Hornet reports Dylan’s sister, Avia, worked for three weeks at the Bunny Ranch two years ago.

After living through the horror of one daughter’s choice to turn tricks, Dylan’s parents must have been happy at least one of their little girls was leading a normal life.

POOF. That’s all gone now.

Dylan said in an interview with the Insider that her mom is a “conservative fourth grade teacher” who “is not going to give her full approval.” You think? Conservative or not, what parent has ever been proud of their child’s choice to knowingly enter the world of prostitution?

Needless to say, I don’t think Dylan’s mother will be sharing any of this during the next class show-and-tell.

FAIL

Most women would like to forget their first sexual experience, but Natalie Dylan will forever be one Google search away from her controversial past.

As some would say: Decision FAIL.

School is an important investment—and an expensive one, at that—but where does a person draw the line?

Drastic situations can call for drastic measures, but becoming a hooker does not usually fall into the category. For most, prostitution is not only crossing the line, but completely out of bounds.


[ * ] There has been no proof offered that Natalie Dylan actually graduated from Sacramento State. Many fingers remain crossed, hoping it isn’t true.

Downloading in the Digital Sea

A tale of music piracy

By Jake Corbin

Everything changed in June of 1999.

Shawn Fanning, then just a student at Northeastern University, didn’t see it coming. Neither did the record labels.

That summer was the year Fanning unleashed his online service, Napster—the first major peer-to-peer file-sharing site—upon the album-collecting masses, quickly becoming the music industry’s biggest nightmare.

Nearly 10 years have passed since the music-swapping site made its debut, but downloading music illegally hasn’t slowed down a bit. In fact, music piracy has become an everyday occurrence for many audiophiles.

As a result, the entire industry has been called into question.

“Are record labels going to be able to survive in the downloading age?”

“Is downloading hurting the bands?”

“Should the record industry continue to even put out physical products?”

The question that nobody seems to ask, however, is: Just why is everybody so into downloading music?

Corey Taylor, lead vocalist for the band Slipknot, had a rather candid answer to that very question in a recent Kerrang! magazine article. The front man placed the blame on the record industry itself, not the downloaders.

“Why would you blame [people who download music]?” said Taylor. “Half the f---ing albums that are out there are s--t. I don't download, but at the same time, I don't buy new music, 'cause it all sucks.”

“People want to blame the decline of album sales on downloading; I think it's actually the record companies' fault,” Taylor added. “I think it's the quality of the product.”

Ironically, many would argue that Slipknot is a perfect example of the “inferior product” Taylor mentions, but the overall point here is—there is a lot of garbage flooding the music market.

One look at the Billboard 200 seems to add more evidence to the pile. On Sept. 14, the top five artists listed were (in order) Young Geezy, New Kids on the Block, The Game, Kid Rock and the aforementioned Slipknot.

Really, New Kids on the Block? No. 2? Seriously? What year is this?

There is, however, more to downloading than just avoiding money wasted on musical rubbish; just ask Christian Smith.

Smith, age 27, is an advocate for downloading music, but his reasons for doing so go beyond the need to keep extra cash in his pockets.

“My purpose is to check out new music; see who’s out there,” said Smith. “I’m exposed to so many more bands than I was before. I remember in the ‘90s, you just heard about local bands or ones promoted by the big labels on radio stations.”

With the discovery of new bands (and the cash he didn’t spend buying their CDs), Smith buys concert tickets. Lots of them.

“One year I went to 100 concerts,” Smith said with a laugh. “There are only 365 days in a year; I think I do my part.”

At that rate, he is doing more than his share.

Besides a cut of the ticket sales, bands stand to make more money from concertgoers (like Mr. Smith) who buy merchandise at shows. For every t-shirt, album and sticker bought from the lonely merch guy at the back of the concert hall, that’s money going directly into the artists’ hands.

CD sales, on the other hand, account for a very small profit. For every CD sold in stores at $15.99, the artist receives only $0.16; more than half the money goes to marketing and overhead costs, according to a Wired Magazine article.

“If the band saw $10 of the $15, I might be more inclined to buy the CD,” said Smith. “But that’s not the way the big labels work.”

“And if I’m going to pay $50 for a concert,” he added. “I don’t see why I should have to pay for the CD, too.”

From a consumer’s point of view, it’s hard to argue with that logic. That must be why—even after the courts sank Napster’s ship long ago—the music pirate’s flag continues to fly high.

Adventures in Cubicle Land

Three rules nobody should have to follow

By Jake Corbin

With the California Legislature leading all nominees in this year's category for "Best Budget Failure," the public doesn't seem to be too happy with any of its government workers these days.

Most already perceive the life of a government employee to be a cakewalk; the words "lazy" and "under worked" come up more than a few times when Google searching "State worker" (and they get every holiday off, too!).

But for every Ceasar Chavez Day off and every long lunch break, most people aren't aware of the several asinine rules the average State worker is forced to follow on any given day.

"Sorry I was late..."   

For most adults in the wonderful world of employment, showing up a few minutes late to work -- on occasion -- is not a big deal. In fact, showing up within two minutes after your start time would probably qualify as "on time" for most employers.

Supervisors for certain state agencies (who shall remain nameless), however, do not feel the same way -- every minute of every day must be logged.

"Sorry I was late, boss; the light rail was running late."

"Yeah, I'm sorry for you, too. I'll need you to account for the five minutes you missed this morning."

While being on time is an important virtue for all employees to embrace, being marked tardy is something that should be left to high school teachers.

"I know you have access to everything, but..."

Technology is a wonderful thing, right? That's not always the case for State workers.

One rule nearly all government employees must adhere to is: Personal internet, e-mail and phone use is not allowed during work hours. If you are on break, you better put up a sign making it obvious to the world before logging into your Gmail account.

The problem with this is, as long as you are finishing your work, what difference does it make? The state is already paying for the services, why not get some use out of them? A quick check of the e-mail is not going to cause the agency to come crumbling down (please also revisit the "aren't we all adults?" plea stated earlier).

Second, the world runs on the Internet, e-mail and phone use. If workers are not allowed access to this, they are being shut off from everything beyond their cubicle walls. Sounds a little like Communism, doesn't it?

"The customer is always right..."

The best rule has been saved for last -- "The customer is always right." We've heard this one a million times before; in fact, many private businesses follow this philosophy as well.

Here's a newsflash, though: The customer is NOT always right. Some would go so far as to say they are wrong 90 percent of the time, particularly when dealing with government paperwork.

In addition, many customers are well-trained in the art of being rude. This makes it virtually impossible at any point in time for them to be "right."

Still, no matter what nasty names come out of their mouth, no matter how much they yell, State workers can never tell the customer what they really think. That would be using "negative language" and the State advises against that.

"We need to talk about your TPS reports"

The movie "Office Space" gave the world a glimpse into the misery life in a cubicle can bring, but it was also a work of fiction. State workers, on the other hand, occupy their office space five days a week, handling everything that comes along with it.

So, the next time you overhear a conversation about the "lazy" State workers with "too many coffee breaks" maybe you'll have some sympathy and think twice about joining in.

After all, at least you don't have to take five minutes out of your lunch break to make up for walking in at 8:05 a.m.

(Feel free to still be mad at the state Legislature, though.)